Title: I'm Thinking of Ending Things
Author: Iain Reid
Narrator: Candace Thaxton
Genre: Psychological Thriller, Suspense
You will be scared. But you won’t know why…
I’m thinking of ending things. Once this thought arrives, it stays. It sticks. It lingers. It’s always there. Always.
Jake once said, “Sometimes a thought is closer to truth, to reality, than an action. You can say anything, you can do anything, but you can’t fake a thought.”
And here’s what I’m thinking: I don’t want to be here.
In this deeply suspenseful and irresistibly unnerving debut novel, a man and his girlfriend are on their way to a secluded farm. When the two take an unexpected detour, she is left stranded in a deserted high school, wondering if there is any escape at all. What follows is a twisted unraveling that will haunt you long after the last page is turned.
In this smart, suspenseful, and intense literary thriller, debut novelist Iain Reid explores the depths of the human psyche, questioning consciousness, free will, the value of relationships, fear, and the limitations of solitude. Reminiscent of José Saramago’s early work, Michel Faber’s cult classic Under the Skin, and Lionel Shriver’s We Need to Talk about Kevin, I’m Thinking of Ending Things is an edgy, haunting debut. Tense, gripping, and atmospheric, this novel pulls you in from the very first page…and never lets you go.
Here's What I Thought:
I am obligated to start this review by issuing a content warning for discussion related to suicide and serious mental illness. Also, this review will contain spoilers. I don't usually like to spoil books, but this one is an exception.
I listened to this book on audio and was immediately hooked. I think I listened to most of it in one sitting alone. It starts off with an unnamed narrator driving with her boyfriend, Jake, to meet the parents on his childhood farm. Their conversation shifts from intellectual, thought provoking topic to an even more intellectual, thought provoking topic. The narrator reminisces on how her and Jake met--at a bar on trivia night. He was a genius. She describes a near perfect relationship, but yet... She is thinking of ending things. Oh, and she also has a stalker calling her leaving the same voicemail.
In between chapters, there were these short little blurbs of two unknown people talking about a suicide. Nothing else is known about these little excerpts.
Back to the main story. Boy brings home girl to meet the parents. Boy suddenly becomes withdrawn. Parents are beyond odd. Stalker is continuously calling. Girl explores boy's childhood home and makes some odd discoveries.
This is the part when things really start to get interesting and why I say there will be spoilers. As I have mentioned before, I am a psych nurse. By nature, I pick up on little behavioral cues and start to make deductions. It's literally what I do for a living.
So the narrator notes that mom has odd behavior. She changes her clothes unexpectedly, smiles at inappropriate times, talks of hearing voices but blames it on tinnitus. The narrator asks Jake about a really old photo, and he explains that it's some long dead relative with a severe mental illness. Her phone dies. Then while the narrator was exploring the house, she comes across a photo that she swears is of her, although Jake claims it's him. She eventually makes her way down to the basement and comes across some very bizarre paintings. In Jake's room she sees some old photographs as well of Jake when he was younger and then has a very odd conversation with his dad about how it wasn't his mom's fault--her behavior--and it's so good that Jake found her. She is so good for him. (Already my nurse brain is in overdrive with a couple theories.)
Back in the car, Jake starts questioning the narrator about what she thought of his parents. He started talking about his brother and how he was sick, but now he was better. Then he insisted on getting Dairy Queen in the middle of a snow storm and one of the workers told the narrator that she was scared for her and she should get out. Creepy. After they half finished their Dairy Queen he was absolutely insistent that they dispose of the cups now at school in the middle of nowhere. I don't know about you, but I don't make a special stop just to get rid of a little bit of trash. Here, some major red flags had jumped up. Jake was suddenly unreasonably defensive and almost erratic. (My nurse brain made note of this.)
At the school, there is an old pick up truck parked that is assumed to be the janitor. Jake throws the cups in the trash and then he starts making out with the narrator. Well this is another change of pace. She was resistant, but went along with it. Suddenly Jake freaks out and claims the janitor was watching them. He goes into the school to confront him. Again, from what we know of Jake, very out of character.
The narrator eventually follows as it's getting cold in the car. While in the school, she feels as if the janitor is following her. She thinks about her stalker again. Suddenly the doors are chained shut, and Jake's car is gone.
By this point, I am thinking it will go one of two ways. It will either play out to be a dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality) plot twist or schizophrenia. I hate it when authors try to play the dissociative identity disorder card. Absolutely hate it. It is technically in the DSM-V (the diagnostic manual for psychological disorders), but most mental health professionals are on the consensus that it does not exist. I would be very excited to see it be a schizophrenia twist, however, as that is something you rarely see.
As this is playing out with the narrator, the snippets between chapters reveal that the man that committed suicide was troubled and they found him in a closet. He did not associate much with anyone and he could have a temper. Our narrator eventually ends up in a closet and the janitor finds her. Now, as I was listening to the audiobook, I really enjoyed this transition. "What are you waiting for." This is repeated again and again as the narrators voice is first joined and then replaced by a male voice. He realizes he has no other option. He goes back to that night at the bar and the girl that talked to him, but he was too afraid to give her his number. He thinks about how things may have been different. He thinks of how he left his job at the lab, how his parents have been gone many years, and how he became a janitor. And then he uses a hanger to commit suicide.
A lot of reviews that I have read that are negative seem to be because they don't understand what happened. This is why I decided to do a review with spoilers, that way I could explain it. Although Reid never said a diagnosis, I am confident that the narrator had schizophrenia.There is a highly genetic component. People with this disorder typically don't socialize well, have labile moods, and become fixated on things. My theory is the janitor suffered from schizophrenia and, as a coping mechanism, developed a delusion that it was his brother who was sick and he had this happy life with his girlfriend, but like most delusions, there were holes in it and he couldn't handle it any more. When the narrator, Jake, and the janitor merged, we were seeing him come back to reality. From my experience, this is a very well done portrayal of this devastating mental illness that has such a poor prognosis.
Another thing that I did find really unnerving early on is how much the narrator's inner monologue matched my own regarding thoughts toward self, relationships, life, everything. It's very off-putting to have your own inner thoughts told to you by someone else.
All this put together lead to a very satisfied five star rating. I am usually hyper critical when anything comes close to psych, but I thought Reid did an outstanding job and I really don't have any complaints.
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